Second Thoughts

Even though I could barely walk, the ceremony at the end of the week after my first Breck Epic was maddening.  I was already plotting my revenge.

I had crashed out on Day 2 and bonked at the very start of Day 3, but I managed to get through the toughest days that followed, the circumnavigation on Mt. Guyot and the climb over Wheeler Pass. (And that year, they made us climb to the top of the ski slope, come back down and then do Wheeler.) And I learned a lot, most importantly, that I could do it.

And even though I was in agony at the start of the last day, I had a TON of fun on Gold Dust and had a great climb back up Boreas Pass, chasing and catching the Bettys. I wasn’t yet in the 50+ category, but felt like I should have been. Subsequent years demonstrated that the 50+ group is perhaps even tougher than the 40+. I think I needed a more personal category in which to compete, such as “50+, male, red hair, beard, from PA, riding a silver Moots YBB.” Yea, I would have crushed that category!

So I sat through that ceremony watching others pick up their buckles and being bummed that I wasn’t getting one, despite my efforts, and trying to satisfy myself that I would have to come back next year.

With no such buckle at stake, the immediate feelings after the CTR were of relief. No stupid buckle mocking me, luring me back for another round.  

And dang, CTR was such a beat down, I don’t know if I need to ever come back. I might just have to cede that this beast totally beat me down and that I won’t ever be able to slay it.

Those thoughts are starting to recede. They’re not totally gone, but they are starting to recede. 

It still seems like my being able to pull this off is a long shot and will require a different approach. Perhaps even a non-racing approach.

Even now, I can barely look at Trackleaders.

I haven’t looked at the Data book since before I left.

There are some painful places there…and I need to fix that somehow…

Nonetheless thoughts have turned to Next Time. 

Maybe not to next year, but to next time.

Still maybe not ready for the race, but maybe picking up where I left off and seeing how far I get.

Sad to think that my slow and steady pace is not enough to get through this race, that I need something more. Much more.

And at this point I’m not exactly sure what that something is. 

Maybe just practice and lots of time.

But I may need to let it go. 

Admit that I got in over my head, finally.

That I am simply not tough enough for what any of these folks, even the slowest ones, are able to pull off.

But maybe not…I need to figure out the answer to that question.

(Dang, that sounds almost downright reasonable.

Of course, I’d also like to get Evans and Pike in there, too somehow…

Or maybe a bunch of dirt road passes…

Or Vail Pass, or the Copper Triangle or…)